My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
