i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
