Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
