i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
