I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
