Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
