apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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