I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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