when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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