My room smells like vodka and shame
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
