You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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