Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
