Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
