How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
