me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
