dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
