Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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