I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
