I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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