so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
