a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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