he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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