I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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