You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
