If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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