I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
farters have to be the big spoon...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
