You're my little dorito
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it's like heaven, but drunker
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i think my cat just said my name.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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