i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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