who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
