hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
