So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
