I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
