I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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