$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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