That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
