I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
