hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i've created a new STD.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
