i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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