Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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