The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
