Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
