Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
