no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
