I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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