I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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