You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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