Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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