just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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