If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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