I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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