when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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