He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
