That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
